amcy:

It really doesn’t matter how ugly the place may be…not that Milano is an ugly place. Before I went, my Italian roommate warned me it was a boring place, nothing much to explore unlike Rome. When I came back to Geneve, I stumbled across my boss and Italian colleague and they were shocked to hear…

I know what I should do. I know that to live well, for me, means to appreciate the little things, to take pleasure in the ordinary, to make the normal extraordinary. 

How must I do this when my feelings and my heart do not follow? Something within is missing and I cannot act as if I’m normal if my heart is in not in sync with everything else.

Is it the place? the people around? or just pure silly college stress? I do not know. Or is my transition from this summer still not over? 

Then there is the question of—what the hell are you going to do with your future? 

I have planned every step of life ever since I was 13. Sorta. From applying to middle private school, to boarding high school, to college, to participating in activities, events, camps, programs, etc, they were all within my control. I made the decisions. From long ago, I knew I wanted the independence and I got it. At this point, I’m faltering at not knowing what to do, where to go, what the answers are. In fact, I do not know how to listen to myself. 

And so I begin to wonder, is it even necessary to grasp an answer? are answers necessary? I feel that I’m beginning to realize that it’s not about finding a meaning, an answer to what I want to be, can be, can do, is destined to be. It’s more important on why the hell I’m alive. I live because I’m not to find an answer to life’s greatest meaning. I live because it’s life. But tell me, what exactly is “life”?