I know what I should do. I know that to live well, for me, means to appreciate the little things, to take pleasure in the ordinary, to make the normal extraordinary.
How must I do this when my feelings and my heart do not follow? Something within is missing and I cannot act as if I’m normal if my heart is in not in sync with everything else.
Is it the place? the people around? or just pure silly college stress? I do not know. Or is my transition from this summer still not over?
Then there is the question of—what the hell are you going to do with your future?
I have planned every step of life ever since I was 13. Sorta. From applying to middle private school, to boarding high school, to college, to participating in activities, events, camps, programs, etc, they were all within my control. I made the decisions. From long ago, I knew I wanted the independence and I got it. At this point, I’m faltering at not knowing what to do, where to go, what the answers are. In fact, I do not know how to listen to myself.
And so I begin to wonder, is it even necessary to grasp an answer? are answers necessary? I feel that I’m beginning to realize that it’s not about finding a meaning, an answer to what I want to be, can be, can do, is destined to be. It’s more important on why the hell I’m alive. I live because I’m not to find an answer to life’s greatest meaning. I live because it’s life. But tell me, what exactly is “life”?